In college, I had abs.
Like, actual visible abs.
I was prepping for Coachella and I wanted to look good. So I spent weeks depriving myself, doing extra cardio, and feeling like shit pretty much the whole time.
And objectively speaking? I looked good. I was cut. I had the abs.
But I still felt insecure about my body. And I hated every second of getting there.
Fast forward to now. I’m 32 and I love my body, whether I have abs or not. (Spoiler: most of the time I don’t 😂)
And the crazy part is it’s so much easier for me to reach my goals now. I’m going after them from a place of love. They’re just for my own personal growth, not because I think something is wrong with me.
So what changed? Well, it definitely wasn’t my abs. It was how I think about my body.
Let me show you what I mean.
Let’s go through it.
The holidays are coming up (don’t look at the calendar, it’s closer than you think, yay!!! 🎄) and you set a goal: lose 10 pounds before the holidays.
Maybe it’s the family photos. Maybe it’s the dress for the work party. Maybe it’s seeing everyone you haven’t seen since last year.
So let me ask you something. Why do you want to lose 10 pounds?
Take a sec and be real with yourself. I’m guessing it sounds something like:
“I want to feel confident.”
“I want to like how I look.”
“I just don’t love my body right now.”
For me in college it was “I want to look good at Coachella.” Translation: I want to feel confident.
I’ve worked with hundreds of women on body image and eating healthy, and I hear some version of these almost every single time. So what you’re really after is a feeling.
Either you want to feel something good, like confident, happy, proud, cute in that holiday dress. Or you want to stop feeling something bad, like insecure, embarrassed, or like you have to hide in the back of every family photo.
Zoom out and this is true for pretty much everything you do in life. You’re either chasing a feeling or trying to avoid one.
Here’s the catch
The only way to change how you feel is to change your thoughts. Your thoughts cause your feelings. Not your circumstances. Not the number on the scale or how many abs you have.
I know, I know. Hang with me.
Let’s say there are two women and they both weigh 200 pounds.
Woman #1 looks in the mirror and thinks, “I’m fat. I hate my body.”
Woman #2 looks in the mirror and thinks, “I’m strong and beautiful. I love everything my body does for me.”
Woman #1 feels despair and anger.
Woman #2 feels love and kindness.
Same weight. Same circumstance. Totally different thoughts, totally different feelings.
The reason I’m bringing this up is because if you chase a goal and don’t change your thoughts, you’re going to get to the goal and... still have the same feeling. 😬
I’m living proof. I got the abs and still felt insecure, because I never worked on my mind.
Maybe you’ve been there too. You lose the 10 pounds, you feel amazing for like a day and a half, and then your brain goes “okay but now my arms.” The “I don’t like my body” thought just finds a new body part to pick on.
This is why I think doing the work to like yourself FIRST is so important. I’m not saying skip the goal. I’m saying start liking yourself before you get there, not after. It also makes going after the goal wayyyy more fun.
Hating yourself is also terrible for consistency
Let’s stick with the 10 pound example.
You want to lose 10 pounds because you hate your body. When you think “I hate my body,” how do you feel? Probably sad, angry, insecure.
And when you feel sad, angry and insecure, how do you act?
You’re probably not lacing up your shoes feeling motivated and curious and excited to try that new workout class. You’re more likely on the couch, scrolling, eating the snacks you “weren’t going to buy,” and then feeling even worse about it. Which feeds the thought. Which feeds the feeling. Round and round we go. 🎠
Here’s what that looks like laid out:
Thought: I hate my body
Feeling: insecure, defeated
Action: skip the workout, eat to feel better, avoid the mirror
Result: no progress, and more “proof” that you should hate your body
It’s like trying to drive to the gym with the parking brake on. You might get there, but it’s going to be slow, loud and miserable.
Can you hate your way to your goal? Sure. I did it! I just think it takes longer, it’s way less enjoyable, and a lot of the time it doesn’t stick.
So how do you NOT hate yourself to your goal?
Step 1: Find the thought that’s causing the pain.
Ask yourself:
Why do I want to change?
What do I think I’ll feel when I get there?
What do I think will be better?
This is personal and there are no right or wrong answers. But here are the ones I hear the most:
I’m not good enough.
I’ll be happier when I lose the weight.
I don’t like how I look.
Whatever yours is, write it down.
Step 2: Start practicing feeling better NOW.
If you’re chasing a goal to feel better, you can start practicing that feeling today. You don’t need the scale’s permission.
BUT. Going from 0 to 100 usually doesn’t work.
If you currently think “I hate my body” and you go stand in front of the mirror and say “I love my body!!”... it’s going to feel silly and kind of cringe. That’s because you don’t believe it (yet). And a thought you don’t believe isn’t going to do anything for you.
We are not doing toxic positivity here. 🙅♀️
Enter: the bridge thought 🌉
A bridge thought is exactly what it sounds like. It bridges the gap between “I hate my body” and “I love my body.” It’s a thought that feels a little better than the one you have now, and, this is the important part, you actually believe it.
Some examples:
I’m working on liking my body.
I like that my body allows me to walk.
I like some things about my body.
I have a human body.
That last one is my favorite. It sounds almost too simple, but it’s so true. You have a human body. It gets bloated, it has rolls when you sit down, it changes month to month. That’s just what human bodies do. (Have you ever seen a dog look in the mirror and decide it needs to lose 10 pounds before the holidays? Yeah I think not 🐶)
Your new thought does not have to feel amazing. I say it’s good as long as it’s 10% less shitty than your current thinking. We’ll get to feeling amazing eventually, but this is a process. You’re changing neural pathways in your brain that have probably been there for years, maybe even decades.
Ok so pick a thought that’s believable to you and makes you feel 10% less shitty. Then practice it. On purpose. Multiple times a day. Say it out loud, write it down, repeat it while you’re brushing your teeth, sitting at a red light, or when you catch your reflection in a store window.
Think it until it’s second nature. Then build the bridge a little further.
It might go something like this:
I hate my body → I have a human body → My body allows me to walk and I love that → Sometimes I love my body → I love my body 💛
This isn’t a one week thing. Some of these steps might take weeks or months, and that’s totally normal.
So still set the goal
Goals are how we evolve and improve and do hard things, and I will always be here for that. 💪
But know this: if what you’re really searching for is a feeling, like love or acceptance or confidence, you can have that without losing a single pound.
I wish someone had told college me this before Coachella. She already had the abs. What she needed was a kinder inner monologue. 😅
And if you still want to lose the 10 pounds after that? Go for it. You’ll just be doing it as your own best friend instead of your own mean drill sergeant.
Grab a notebook ✍️
What goal am I chasing right now, and what feeling do I think it will give me?
What’s the thought I’m having about my body today?
How does that thought make me feel, and how do I act when I feel that way?
What’s one bridge thought I actually believe?
When will I practice it this week? (Pick a real moment, like your morning coffee.)
If this one hit home, send it to a friend who’s been fighting with her mirror lately. And if you’re not subscribed yet, hit the button so the next one lands right in your inbox. 💌